In my flurry of information-getting in recent weeks I realized that, while I’m becoming well versed in sperm bank requirements, how to track a basil temperature, and figuring out which fertility clinics in Austin don’t shun lesbians, I’ve completely forgotten to find out when and more importantly if I can adopt my own child.
If a straight couple (married or not) has infertility problems and they choose to get sperm from a sperm bank and conceive the child via IUI in a doctor’s office, when the mother gives birth to the child she is given a form to write down the father’s name for the birth certificate. She writes in her partner’s name (the non-genetic father). This is perfectly legal and nobody questions it. He is considered the child’s father.
If a lesbian couple (married or not) goes through the exact same process to conceive, when it comes to writing the father’s name on the birth certificate the birth mother has to write “not applicable.” In the state of Texas there is no blank for Other Mother. Slowly but surely the laws in some states (Iowa) are changing, but for most of us we’re stuck, yet again, paying too much money to gain rights that are afforded to our straight counterparts for free. Lesbian parents have to do what’s called a same-sex second-parent adoption. I’m going to call it SSSPA since that term is ridiculous.
Utah and Florida explicitly forbid SSSPAs. So, in this case, God bless Texas. I can’t see myself deciding to have a child, and raising it, without being able to have a legal right to him/her. In Texas, specifically in Travis County, the process is pretty straightforward. It’s not “not legal” for two women or two men to adopt, but it’s not touted on either. Each SSSPA is decided on a case-by-case basis by a judge. It is beyond scary to think that our family’s future is subjected to the whim of a person I’ve never met who may be having a I-really-hate-lesbians-today day. So before we decide to take the leap (or rather the long stressful journey) into parenthood, I want to make sure all our legal ts are crossed.
A quick Google search came up with three pretty good options for family law attorneys in Austin who specialize in LGBT issues. Lesa and I met with one of the attorneys to draw up marriage documents and quickly realized they were exorbitantly priced, so we didn’t end up using them. Since we want the adoption to go smoothly, I’m more worried about performance than price this go-around.
The third attorney called me back within an hour of me contacting her, which is a great sign. The other thing I really like about her is the fact that the only thing her practice does is SSSPAs. For $3000.00 she can walk us through the entire adoption process. That price is for one child, she made sure to say. (Shoot me if we have multiples.) She also said that she uses the same judge for every adoption, so there are never any issues regarding the same-sexness of the parent’s relationship. I should find that comforting. “What if that judge calls in sick?” I ask. “We reschedule.” She retorts, sounding reassuring. She also tells me that this judge normally waives the requisite six month waiting period, and home visit, which allows us to complete the adoption usually in the first three months after birth.
An eternity of things can happen in three months. What if the baby gets sick and Lesa’s at work? What if God forbid, something happens to Lesa? What if all of the pregnancy hormones make Lesa go crazy and up and leave with our child in tow? What if our daycare won’t answer questions about the baby’s BMs because I’m not the child’s parent? All these questions freak me out. I know they aren’t likely, but I’m sure they’re possible. Fortunately there are some legal documents we can have done, (for another fee) like a child’s medical power of attorney, that will give me some rights. But, the title of “parent” is not easily replaced. What I want is to be a parent and feel like a parent from the very beginning, without having to jump through all these hoops.
There are some bright sides. First, I trust Lesa with all my heart. I know she isn’t going to suddenly flip out and leave me, if for no other reason than the fact that she doesn’t want to do 3am feedings and diaper changes by herself. Second, I’m a little fuzzy on the rules but I *think* all the money we spend on the adoption we can get back in a federal tax credit. Most second-parent adoptions don’t meet the requirements for the tax credit because the second parent is married to the first parent. So, this one time, our forever single status, in the eyes of the federal government, bites them in the ass. I like it when I can stick it the man.
If we stay on the time-table we want, after we get pregnant, we will start the adoption process around the end of the second trimester. I’ll let you know how it goes.